Ann

I hate myself, some days. Days when I look in the mirror and there I am. Fat, pallid, greasy. The only things alive are my eyes – the rest is useless. I’ve given my body over to a life I don’t want. I was forced by cowardice and a safe sense of duty – what the bloody hell was I thinking? Does he even know the real me? Look at me. With my fierce eyes. Look at him – in the reflection of our cigarette stained mirror, God, he snores loudly, a picture of absolute ignorance. He’s so ignorant he makes me feel tender towards him. He needs protection and care. Like this kid of ours I’m carrying. Bloody hell, Fuck it! How’d it come to this? I was going to represent my country for hockey for fucks sake! Now the only hockey I’ll be getting is the plastic useless $2 shop job…Yeah, that’s right, playtime is over for me. Its’ all for the kid now, the kid and him. Well that’s what I’ll do then..my kid’ll play hockey in the pathetic barren yard of ours… No, screw that, we’ll be down at the park, I’ll be teaching em fielding, attack, goalie, all of it. Maybe we’ll make it a family thing, maybe he’ll want to come. Probably, he’s like a god dam puppy at times, he’s so dam enthusiastic. Yeah, the three of us, down at the park. Maybe I’ll lose weight. Maybe I’ll get back into bed, take his hand – place it on my ballooning belly. Then he’ll wake, kiss me with stale forgotten breath, the same kiss every morning for the last five years…and how many more to come?